Why I fired my secretary!

Today is my 49th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot...
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present waiting for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy birthday".
I thought, 'Well, that's wives for you.'
The children will remember...
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word....
When I started for office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said,
"Good morning Boss, Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better someone had remembered!
I worked until noon.....
Then, Betty knocked on my door and said,
"You know, its such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,
let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By george that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go...
We went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of friends.
They were singing "Happy Birthday".......

......... AND I SAT THERE ON THE COUCH, NAKED.......

Simpu Singh - Simply Hilarious

Near Death Experience

Last night my mom and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I said to her: 'Mom, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.
Then my mom got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
....I ALMOST DIED