It all depends on your perspective ...
An English professor wrote the words "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed her students to punctuate it correctly.
The male students wrote:
"Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The female students wrote:
"Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Husband : U know dear, our son got his brain from me.
Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
---------------------------------------------------
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the wall!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did." he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a silver wedding anniversary, the husband was standing in one corner looking very sad.
"What's the matter?" asked his friend.
"Well, a week after marriage, I got fed up and wanted to kill my wife, but my lawyer said that I would get 25 years imprisonment. Now I realize that today I would have been a free man."
----------------------------------------------------------
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man..
-----------------------------------------------
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied : "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
-------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
-------------------------------------------------
This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife pass the sugar, Honey. and pass the honey, Sugar. Inspired by this, the next morning at breakfast with his wife, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig
-----------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. And the husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it.
-----------------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for awhile but then smiled and said, It really works!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
$10,000 per call to heaven until...
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to china.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by
what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in japan. There, at a very large
cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under
it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in china
and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to pakistan, srilanka, russia, Germany and France.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone
with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India
to see if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there
was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One
Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven,
but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's a
local call".
world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to china.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by
what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in japan. There, at a very large
cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under
it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in china
and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to pakistan, srilanka, russia, Germany and France.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone
with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India
to see if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there
was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One
Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven,
but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's a
local call".
Monday, November 13, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A guy woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".
Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "Hey!!!!!!! Leave me alone! I'm married!"
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".
Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "Hey!!!!!!! Leave me alone! I'm married!"
Monday, October 16, 2006
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Mind You....no offence!!!
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
No wonder men are happier!
Your last name stays put.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
AUTOMATIC MESSAGES
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will
reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just
ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification
because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have
received anything at
all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors
having my brain
removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread,
worthless emails you send
me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be
patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has
been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional
word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server
connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your
computer and try
sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you
return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added
to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to
receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that
you got this message.
I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.
Please wait by your
PC for my response.
11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new
job. Don't bother to
leave me any messages.
12: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks
for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as
'Loretta' instead of
'Steve'.
reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just
ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification
because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have
received anything at
all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors
having my brain
removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread,
worthless emails you send
me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be
patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has
been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional
word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server
connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your
computer and try
sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you
return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added
to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to
receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that
you got this message.
I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.
Please wait by your
PC for my response.
11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new
job. Don't bother to
leave me any messages.
12: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks
for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as
'Loretta' instead of
'Steve'.
What Do You Say?
Q. If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect,
then why practice?
Q. If you died with braces on your teeth, would they
take them off?
Q. If love is blind, then why do we believe at first
sight?
Q. Don't you find it worrying that doctor calls
treating you their "practice"?
Q. If you try to fall and succeed, what do you just
do?
Q. If a book about failures does not sell, is it a
success?
Q. Could someone ever get addicted to counseling and
if so how do you help them?
Q. If a chronic liar tells you he is chronic liar, do
you believe him?
Q. Why do the egg not taste like a chicken itself?
Q. What is the opposite of opposite?
Q. Why do you get in a bus and get into a car?
Q. Why do mattresses have designs on them when they
are always covered
with sheets?
Q. How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie
theatres?
Q. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hours?
Q. What is the male ladybug called?
Q. Why do we wash towels? Aren't we clean when we use
them?
Q. If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still
be consider a
bank robbery?
Q. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same
thing?
Q. If you tell someone they are being judgmental,
aren't you being
judgmental yourself?
Q. If scientists were ever going to figure out how to
travel through
time, wouldn't we now be seeing people from the
future?
Q. Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Q. Why do they call them "apartments" when they are
all stuck together?
Q. You know that little indestructible black box that
is used on
planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the
same substance?
Q. If you decide that you are indecisive, which one
you are?
answer these question.
do u have ans to these?
Q. Why do caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Q. If its zero degree outside today and its supposed
to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how could is it going to be? (Since 2
times 0 =0)
Q. What do you say when someone says you're in denial,
but you're not?
Q. If you're born at exactly midnight, is your
birthday on both those days?
Q. Isn't its scary that the word "therapist" is the
same as the word
"the rapist" put together?
Q. Why do they call it your "bottom" when it's really
in the middle of
your body?
Q. What happen if you get scared half to death twice?
Q. Why is it called a "building" when it is already
build?
Q. On a mobile phone, why does A.B.C. start from on
the number 2 and not 1?
Q. Why do we say "bye bye" but don't "hi hi"?
then why practice?
Q. If you died with braces on your teeth, would they
take them off?
Q. If love is blind, then why do we believe at first
sight?
Q. Don't you find it worrying that doctor calls
treating you their "practice"?
Q. If you try to fall and succeed, what do you just
do?
Q. If a book about failures does not sell, is it a
success?
Q. Could someone ever get addicted to counseling and
if so how do you help them?
Q. If a chronic liar tells you he is chronic liar, do
you believe him?
Q. Why do the egg not taste like a chicken itself?
Q. What is the opposite of opposite?
Q. Why do you get in a bus and get into a car?
Q. Why do mattresses have designs on them when they
are always covered
with sheets?
Q. How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie
theatres?
Q. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hours?
Q. What is the male ladybug called?
Q. Why do we wash towels? Aren't we clean when we use
them?
Q. If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still
be consider a
bank robbery?
Q. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same
thing?
Q. If you tell someone they are being judgmental,
aren't you being
judgmental yourself?
Q. If scientists were ever going to figure out how to
travel through
time, wouldn't we now be seeing people from the
future?
Q. Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Q. Why do they call them "apartments" when they are
all stuck together?
Q. You know that little indestructible black box that
is used on
planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the
same substance?
Q. If you decide that you are indecisive, which one
you are?
answer these question.
do u have ans to these?
Q. Why do caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Q. If its zero degree outside today and its supposed
to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how could is it going to be? (Since 2
times 0 =0)
Q. What do you say when someone says you're in denial,
but you're not?
Q. If you're born at exactly midnight, is your
birthday on both those days?
Q. Isn't its scary that the word "therapist" is the
same as the word
"the rapist" put together?
Q. Why do they call it your "bottom" when it's really
in the middle of
your body?
Q. What happen if you get scared half to death twice?
Q. Why is it called a "building" when it is already
build?
Q. On a mobile phone, why does A.B.C. start from on
the number 2 and not 1?
Q. Why do we say "bye bye" but don't "hi hi"?
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
What was that for?
What was that for...??
A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
"Your horse called up"
A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
"Your horse called up"
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Voted Women's Favorite...
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
" Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as the wife, and the wife woke as the husband. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M and he hurried to make the beds, did the laundry, vacuuming, dusting , and swept and mopped the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their home-work, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4: 30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said.........
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, You got pregnant last night."
" Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as the wife, and the wife woke as the husband. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M and he hurried to make the beds, did the laundry, vacuuming, dusting , and swept and mopped the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their home-work, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4: 30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said.........
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, You got pregnant last night."
Monday, August 28, 2006
Why CSRs are paid SO MUCH for talking on the phone???
1) Tech Support : "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer : "Ok."
Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?"
Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'."
------------
----------------------------
2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I
am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
--------------------------------------------------
3) Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."
Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it
says."
Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery
disk'."
Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer : "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
--------------------------------------------------
4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)
--------------------------------------------------
5).Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the
screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech support : ##### ***
--------------------------------------------------
6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer : "A white one."
Tech support : ******_____####
--------------------------------------------------
7). Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"
Customer : "Pentium."
Tech support : ////-----+++
--------------------------------------------------
8). Customer : "My computer's telling me I performed an
illegal abortion."
Tech support : ??????
--------------------------------------------------
9).Customer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Tech Support : ?!%#$
--------------------------------------------------
10).Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"
Tech support : ??????
--------------------------------------------------
11). Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need
to print document, but the computer
won't boot properly."
Tech Support : "What does it say?"
Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel
inside."
Tech support : @@@@@
--------------------------------------------------
12). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're
open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
--------------------------------------------------
13). Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"
Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support : "Well?"
Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"
Tech support : *** ---- ++++
--------------------------------------------------
The best of the lot
14). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to
report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: (keep quite)
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the
startup and it will fix the
problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Tech support::
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The
tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech supports :( hush hush)
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but
there is an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM <> at the
end of the
CONFIG.SYS . Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User : MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't
come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft
and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know
how it goes.
1 hour later.
User : I need a new power supply.
Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?
Tech support : (hush hush)
User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said,
and he started asking questions
about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with
NOSMOKE.
-------------------------------------------------
Height Of all (Too Good)
15) customer care officer: I need a product identification number right
now and may I help u in
finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
Customer : "Ok."
Tech Support : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?"
Customer : "No."
Tech Support : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?"
Customer : "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'."
------------
----------------------------
2) Customer : "I received the software update you sent, but I
am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
--------------------------------------------------
3) Customer : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support : "Tell me what you've done."
Customer : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it
says."
Customer : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery
disk'."
Tech Support : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer : "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
--------------------------------------------------
4).Customer : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)
--------------------------------------------------
5).Tech Support : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the
screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech support : ##### ***
--------------------------------------------------
6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer : "A white one."
Tech support : ******_____####
--------------------------------------------------
7). Tech Support : "What operating system are you running?"
Customer : "Pentium."
Tech support : ////-----+++
--------------------------------------------------
8). Customer : "My computer's telling me I performed an
illegal abortion."
Tech support : ??????
--------------------------------------------------
9).Customer : "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Tech Support : ?!%#$
--------------------------------------------------
10).Customer : "How do I print my voicemail?"
Tech support : ??????
--------------------------------------------------
11). Customer : "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need
to print document, but the computer
won't boot properly."
Tech Support : "What does it say?"
Customer : "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel
inside."
Tech support : @@@@@
--------------------------------------------------
12). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're
open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
--------------------------------------------------
13). Tech Support : "What does the screen say now?"
Customer : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support : "Well?"
Customer : "How do I know when it's ready?"
Tech support : *** ---- ++++
--------------------------------------------------
The best of the lot
14). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to
report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: (keep quite)
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the
startup and it will fix the
problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Tech support::
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The
tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech supports :( hush hush)
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but
there is an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM <> at the
end of the
CONFIG.SYS . Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User : It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User : MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't
come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft
and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know
how it goes.
1 hour later.
User : I need a new power supply.
Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?
Tech support : (hush hush)
User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said,
and he started asking questions
about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with
NOSMOKE.
-------------------------------------------------
Height Of all (Too Good)
15) customer care officer: I need a product identification number right
now and may I help u in
finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani
1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
3. You are Always
standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.
4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.
5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.
6. You recycle Wedding Gifts , Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts.
7. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam, Kamini & Shamini.)
8. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"
10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
11. You load up the family car with as many people as
possible.
12. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.
13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles and Aunties" will think.
14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used , as it is for special occasions, which never happen.
15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen
table.
16. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as
possible.
18. Your kitchen shelf is full of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with purchase of other stuff )
19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. ( And they prefer it that way).
23. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
25. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.
26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.
27. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
28. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
29. You call an older person you never met before Uncle or Aunty."
30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few
minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
31. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
32. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.
33. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
34. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.
35. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
3. You are Always
standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.
4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.
5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.
6. You recycle Wedding Gifts , Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts.
7. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam, Kamini & Shamini.)
8. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.
9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"
10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
11. You load up the family car with as many people as
possible.
12. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.
13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles and Aunties" will think.
14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used , as it is for special occasions, which never happen.
15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen
table.
16. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as
possible.
18. Your kitchen shelf is full of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with purchase of other stuff )
19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. ( And they prefer it that way).
23. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
25. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.
26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.
27. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.
28. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
29. You call an older person you never met before Uncle or Aunty."
30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few
minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
31. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
32. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.
33. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.
34. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.
35. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
10 most stupid Q n' A
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over
here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed
high-heeled shoes steps on
your feet...
Stupid Question:
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't
you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:
Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:
Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We
occassionaly also
spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt
meets you after
years...
Stupid Question:
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive
lout...it's just the
money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone
call...
Stupid Question:
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in
Africa marry or
not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted
moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently
shorter hair...
Stupid Question:
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects
in your mouth...
Stupid Question:
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:
No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman
asks...
Stupid Question:
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk
and now it's in
flames!!!
Stupid Question:
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer: Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over
here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed
high-heeled shoes steps on
your feet...
Stupid Question:
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't
you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:
Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:
Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We
occassionaly also
spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt
meets you after
years...
Stupid Question:
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive
lout...it's just the
money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone
call...
Stupid Question:
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in
Africa marry or
not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted
moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently
shorter hair...
Stupid Question:
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects
in your mouth...
Stupid Question:
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:
No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman
asks...
Stupid Question:
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk
and now it's in
flames!!!
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Indian Sales Man
The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in
India."
Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him
the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we
close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through
it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."
The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our
sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you
want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better
than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale
for?"
Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"
Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small
fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said
down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a
boat, so we went down to the boating department and I
sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to our automotive
department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he
had no accommodation, I took him to camping department
and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper
tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw
in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of
beer.
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here
to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck
and a tent?"
Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in
India."
Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him
the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we
close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through
it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."
The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our
sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you
want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better
than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale
for?"
Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"
Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small
fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said
down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a
boat, so we went down to the boating department and I
sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to our automotive
department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he
had no accommodation, I took him to camping department
and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper
tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw
in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of
beer.
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here
to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck
and a tent?"
Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."
Monday, July 31, 2006
Monday, July 17, 2006
Her Diary Vs His Diary
HER DIARY
Day night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too."When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not
take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today India lost the cricket match against Pakistan.
GODDAMN IT.
Day night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too."When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not
take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today India lost the cricket match against Pakistan.
GODDAMN IT.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Thought For The Day
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to
visit their old university lecturer. Conversation soon turned into
complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the lecturer went to the kitchen and returned
with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups:
porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain-looking and some expensive and
exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the lecturer said:
"If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving
behind the plain and cheap ones. Although, it is but normal for
you to want only the best for yourselves - that becomes the source of your
problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not
the cup, but you consciously went for the better cups and are eyeing each
other's cups."
"Now, if Life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are
the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the
quality of Life doesn't change."
"Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in
it."
So folks, don't let the cups drive you...enjoy the coffee instead!!!
visit their old university lecturer. Conversation soon turned into
complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the lecturer went to the kitchen and returned
with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups:
porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain-looking and some expensive and
exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the lecturer said:
"If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving
behind the plain and cheap ones. Although, it is but normal for
you to want only the best for yourselves - that becomes the source of your
problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not
the cup, but you consciously went for the better cups and are eyeing each
other's cups."
"Now, if Life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are
the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the
quality of Life doesn't change."
"Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in
it."
So folks, don't let the cups drive you...enjoy the coffee instead!!!
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Ponderisms ;)
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Friday, June 23, 2006
Monday, June 12, 2006
Life After Death
BOSS: said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?"
EMPLOYEE : "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.
BOSS: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your friend's funeral, he came here looking for you."
EMPLOYEE : "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.
BOSS: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your friend's funeral, he came here looking for you."
Friday, June 09, 2006
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
Shaadi - Filimi Ishtyle
Shaadi ke Pehle : Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke Baad : Maine Pyar Kyon Kiya
Shaadi ke Pehle : Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi Ke Baad : Kuch Nahi Hota Hai
Shaadi Ke Pehle : Dil to Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke Baad : Dil to Pagal Tha
Shaadi ke Pehle : Ek Duje ke Liye
Shaadi ke Baad : Sirf Bachho ke liye
Shaadi ke pehle : Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke Baad : JwalaMukhi
Shaadi ke Pehle : Titanic
Shaadi ke Baad : Kagaj ki Naav
Shaadi ke Pehle : Hero No 1
Shaadi ke Baad : Biwi No 1
Shaadi ke Pehle : Sapno ki Rani
Shaadi ke Baad : Chotu ki Amma
Shaadi ke Baad : Maine Pyar Kyon Kiya
Shaadi ke Pehle : Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi Ke Baad : Kuch Nahi Hota Hai
Shaadi Ke Pehle : Dil to Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke Baad : Dil to Pagal Tha
Shaadi ke Pehle : Ek Duje ke Liye
Shaadi ke Baad : Sirf Bachho ke liye
Shaadi ke pehle : Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke Baad : JwalaMukhi
Shaadi ke Pehle : Titanic
Shaadi ke Baad : Kagaj ki Naav
Shaadi ke Pehle : Hero No 1
Shaadi ke Baad : Biwi No 1
Shaadi ke Pehle : Sapno ki Rani
Shaadi ke Baad : Chotu ki Amma
If you find it very boring in the office, here are some tips:
1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Send mails from lotus notes (outlook) to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach there. Then do vice versa............. !!
4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair just to irritate him/her.
5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).
6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions while working and try changing your ex-pressions also.
7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.
8. Make faces at strangers in office.
9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.
10. Learn to whistle.
11. Revise last week's newspaper.
12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
14. Compile "How to waste your day"
15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.
16. Have work breaks in between tea.
17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.
18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore them..Then repeat this process.
19. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.
20. Read jokes and send jokes.
21. Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.
Want to add any more to this list?
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Send mails from lotus notes (outlook) to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach there. Then do vice versa............. !!
4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair just to irritate him/her.
5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).
6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions while working and try changing your ex-pressions also.
7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.
8. Make faces at strangers in office.
9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.
10. Learn to whistle.
11. Revise last week's newspaper.
12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
14. Compile "How to waste your day"
15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.
16. Have work breaks in between tea.
17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.
18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore them..Then repeat this process.
19. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.
20. Read jokes and send jokes.
21. Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.
Want to add any more to this list?
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Humor In Cricket
*Sehwag's wife asks him to buy ration but he is afraid to go out *
*as he will get hit by people 4 not playing well. *
*So he dresses up as a woman n goes 2 d market.*
*There a beautiful woman comes to *
*him n says " u r Sehwag right?".*
*Surprised sehwag asks how do u know? *
*She says, I,m Mohd Kaif*
*as he will get hit by people 4 not playing well. *
*So he dresses up as a woman n goes 2 d market.*
*There a beautiful woman comes to *
*him n says " u r Sehwag right?".*
*Surprised sehwag asks how do u know? *
*She says, I,m Mohd Kaif*
FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
cooks good, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh & she is cute.
3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in
romance and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
don't know each other.
cooks good, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh & she is cute.
3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in
romance and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
don't know each other.
Friday, May 05, 2006
This Is A Long One But Definitely Funny...
Qantas is an airline company based in Australia. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a problem sheet, which conveys to the mechanics, problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the sheets before the next flight.
So, here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)
P = The problem logged by the pilot
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level .
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
So, here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)
P = The problem logged by the pilot
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level .
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Is This Love
My Nights are becoming sleepless.
My Days are becoming restless.
So I asked God.... Is this love?
GOD said, "Idiot! You are a software employee!"
Another Never Again....
May be interesting !
Watch the number sequence...very interesting...
On,
May 4th, 2006
......
......
at 2 min. and 3 sec.
......
......
after 1 am
......
.
......
the time and date will be
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
01:02:03:04 /05/06
Watch the number sequence...very interesting...
On,
May 4th, 2006
......
......
at 2 min. and 3 sec.
......
......
after 1 am
......
.
......
the time and date will be
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
01:02:03:04 /05/06
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Quote For The Day
Today is no special day and I have no particular reason for writing to you....
I have no news to tell you....
nor any problems to discuss with you....
or gossip to tell you...
It's only one of those happy moments...
when I thought of you...
and I would like to share these thoughts with you...
MANY SMILES BEGIN BECAUSE OF ANOTHER SMILE...
I have no news to tell you....
nor any problems to discuss with you....
or gossip to tell you...
It's only one of those happy moments...
when I thought of you...
and I would like to share these thoughts with you...
MANY SMILES BEGIN BECAUSE OF ANOTHER SMILE...
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