Saturday, April 04, 2009
Friday, October 31, 2008
When did the fight start?
I rear-ended a car this morning. We pulled onto the side of the road,
and the other driver got out of his car. Yeah, well I couldn't believe
it -- he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!"
Well, as you can imagine, I was pretty rattled, and I looked down
at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
That's when the fight started.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I retired recently, and went to the Social Security office to apply for
benefits. When the woman behind the counter wanted to verify my age I
realized I'd left my wallet at home. I told the woman I would have to
come back later.
"Unbutton your shirt," she said. So I opened my shirt revealing
silver hair.
"That's proof enough for me," she said, and she processed my Social
Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife what happened. She said, "You
should have dropped your pants. You could have gotten disability, too."
That's when the fight started.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
My wife and I were at my high school reunion, when she noticed me
staring at an obviously drunk woman sitting alone at a table.
"Do you know her?" my wife asked.
"Yes," I sighed. "She's an old girlfriend. She started drinking
after we split up years ago, and people say she hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" whispered my wife. "Who would think a person could
celebrate for that long?"
That's when the fight started.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
When I got home late last night, the wife told me take her someplace
expensive for dinner. So, I took her to a gas station.
That's when the fight started.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My wife replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
That's when the fight started.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
and the other driver got out of his car. Yeah, well I couldn't believe
it -- he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!"
Well, as you can imagine, I was pretty rattled, and I looked down
at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
That's when the fight started.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I retired recently, and went to the Social Security office to apply for
benefits. When the woman behind the counter wanted to verify my age I
realized I'd left my wallet at home. I told the woman I would have to
come back later.
"Unbutton your shirt," she said. So I opened my shirt revealing
silver hair.
"That's proof enough for me," she said, and she processed my Social
Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife what happened. She said, "You
should have dropped your pants. You could have gotten disability, too."
That's when the fight started.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
My wife and I were at my high school reunion, when she noticed me
staring at an obviously drunk woman sitting alone at a table.
"Do you know her?" my wife asked.
"Yes," I sighed. "She's an old girlfriend. She started drinking
after we split up years ago, and people say she hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" whispered my wife. "Who would think a person could
celebrate for that long?"
That's when the fight started.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
When I got home late last night, the wife told me take her someplace
expensive for dinner. So, I took her to a gas station.
That's when the fight started.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My wife replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
That's when the fight started.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Monday, September 01, 2008
Make me feel like a Woman
A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.
The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.
So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."
The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.
So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."
Monday, July 28, 2008
Why I fired my secretary!
Today is my 49th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot...
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present waiting for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy birthday".
I thought, 'Well, that's wives for you.'
The children will remember...
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word....
When I started for office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said,
"Good morning Boss, Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better someone had remembered!
I worked until noon.....
Then, Betty knocked on my door and said,
"You know, its such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,
let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By george that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go...
We went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of friends.
They were singing "Happy Birthday".......
......... AND I SAT THERE ON THE COUCH, NAKED.......
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present waiting for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy birthday".
I thought, 'Well, that's wives for you.'
The children will remember...
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word....
When I started for office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said,
"Good morning Boss, Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better someone had remembered!
I worked until noon.....
Then, Betty knocked on my door and said,
"You know, its such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,
let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By george that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go...
We went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of friends.
They were singing "Happy Birthday".......
......... AND I SAT THERE ON THE COUCH, NAKED.......
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Near Death Experience
Last night my mom and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I said to her: 'Mom, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.
Then my mom got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
....I ALMOST DIED
I said to her: 'Mom, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.
Then my mom got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
....I ALMOST DIED
Friday, April 11, 2008
Some laws Newton forgot !!!
Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have
left will start to move faster than the one you are in
now.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get an engaged one.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease,ur nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late
for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning
you will have a flat tire.
Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the
telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone
you know increases when you are with someone you don't
want to be seen with.
LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest
from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of
hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something
which will last until the coffee is cold.
left will start to move faster than the one you are in
now.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get an engaged one.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease,ur nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late
for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning
you will have a flat tire.
Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the
telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone
you know increases when you are with someone you don't
want to be seen with.
LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest
from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of
hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something
which will last until the coffee is cold.
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