A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say
one
thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to
your
problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them
with
my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the
bible.
My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible
phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in
their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male
talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you
want a date?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
...........
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
...........
"Put your Bible away Idiot,
..........
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"
Monday, September 24, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Quick-Fix Solutions
The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes?"
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.When
your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from
another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease ! (related
to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than
once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.When
your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from
another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease ! (related
to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than
once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Don't copy if you can't paste
At training program for top management. A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of
a woman who wasn't my wife !"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste
a woman who wasn't my wife !"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste
Friday, July 06, 2007
Weird Qs
01.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. Even US has got debts), where did all the money go?
(weird)
02.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
(to be given a thought)
03.What is the speed of darkness?
(absurd)
04.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
(very good thinking)
05.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
(who knows)
06.Can you cry under water?
(let me try)
07.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
(I think they meant something else)
08.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
(God knows)
09.Do fish ever get thirsty?
(let me ask and tell)
10.Can you get cornered in a round room?
(by ones eyes)
11.What does OK actually mean?
12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch)
13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)
14.What should one call a male ladybird?
(No comments)
15.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
(can somebody help)
16.Can you blow a balloon up under water?
(yes U can)
17.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)
18.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
(got to think scientifically)
19.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
(I don't have a change to try)
20.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?
(very nice)
21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
(this is nice?)
22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
(stupid, break the law)
(weird)
02.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
(to be given a thought)
03.What is the speed of darkness?
(absurd)
04.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
(very good thinking)
05.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
(who knows)
06.Can you cry under water?
(let me try)
07.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
(I think they meant something else)
08.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
(God knows)
09.Do fish ever get thirsty?
(let me ask and tell)
10.Can you get cornered in a round room?
(by ones eyes)
11.What does OK actually mean?
12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch)
13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)
14.What should one call a male ladybird?
(No comments)
15.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
(can somebody help)
16.Can you blow a balloon up under water?
(yes U can)
17.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)
18.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
(got to think scientifically)
19.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
(I don't have a change to try)
20.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?
(very nice)
21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
(this is nice?)
22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
(stupid, break the law)
Monday, June 04, 2007
kill BILL
1. Bill Gates earns $250 every SECOND, that's about $20 million a DAY
and $7.8 billion a YEAR!
2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up
because in the 4 seconds it takes to pick it up, he would have already
earned it back.
3. U.S's national debt is about $5.62 trillion. If Bill Gates wants to
pay the debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.
4. He can donate $15 to everyone on earth and still be left with $5
million for his pocket money.
5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in the U.S. If he
doesn't drink and eat, and keep his annual income at $30 million,
he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is
today.
6. If Bill Gates were a country, he will be the 37th richest country on
earth.
7. If you change all of Bill Gate's money to $1 bills, you can make a
road from earth to moon 14 times back and forth. But you will have to
make that road non-stop for 1400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING
747 planes to transport all the money.
8. Bill Gates will be 42 this year. If we assume that he still can
live for another 35 years, he has to spend $6.78 million per day to
finish his money before his death.
9. BUT!!! If we the Microsoft Windows users claim $1 for every time
their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will go
bankrupt in 3 years.
and $7.8 billion a YEAR!
2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up
because in the 4 seconds it takes to pick it up, he would have already
earned it back.
3. U.S's national debt is about $5.62 trillion. If Bill Gates wants to
pay the debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.
4. He can donate $15 to everyone on earth and still be left with $5
million for his pocket money.
5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in the U.S. If he
doesn't drink and eat, and keep his annual income at $30 million,
he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is
today.
6. If Bill Gates were a country, he will be the 37th richest country on
earth.
7. If you change all of Bill Gate's money to $1 bills, you can make a
road from earth to moon 14 times back and forth. But you will have to
make that road non-stop for 1400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING
747 planes to transport all the money.
8. Bill Gates will be 42 this year. If we assume that he still can
live for another 35 years, he has to spend $6.78 million per day to
finish his money before his death.
9. BUT!!! If we the Microsoft Windows users claim $1 for every time
their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will go
bankrupt in 3 years.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Pigs Summary
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work
In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = pigs that work
**************
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money
If Men - earn money = Pigs
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Pigs
**************
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Women = Pigs + spend
If, Women - spend = Pigs
In other words,
Women that don't spend = Pigs
**************
Summary:
Men earn money not to let women become pigs!
Women spend not to let men become pigs!
Men + Women = 2 Pigs
Wish all the pigs happy forever.
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work
In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = pigs that work
**************
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money
If Men - earn money = Pigs
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Pigs
**************
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Women = Pigs + spend
If, Women - spend = Pigs
In other words,
Women that don't spend = Pigs
**************
Summary:
Men earn money not to let women become pigs!
Women spend not to let men become pigs!
Men + Women = 2 Pigs
Wish all the pigs happy forever.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Zoology test
A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and
the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one
week of study, a test was held.The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs.
No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the
birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting
angrier every minute.
Finally, he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on
the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."
The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything
and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You
tell me..."
the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one
week of study, a test was held.The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs.
No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the
birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting
angrier every minute.
Finally, he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on
the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."
The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything
and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You
tell me..."
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Why God Made Moms. . .
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.
Why did God give you Your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between Moms & Dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plasti c surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head.
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.
Why did God give you Your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between Moms & Dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plasti c surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head.
10 Saying for an Orkutian
ONE
If you're ugly,
stop acting like you don't know it.
The captions under you picture that says
"top model pose"
"sexy bitch"
"arnt i hot"
doesn't convince anyone.
TWO
To the people who have like 25,000 friends,
are you serious?
Nobody in this universe can keep up with that many friends.
You're stupid.
Go play in traffic.
THREE
Don't ever post pictures and say
"OMG, I'm so ugly"
"OMG,I'm so fat"
because if you were,
you wouldn't post them.
FOUR
Nobody cares about threats over the internet.
Don't try to act hardcore with the keyboard.
Fighting online is like racing in the special olympics;
even if you win,
you're still retarded.
FIVE
Making 20 bulletins a day
about how you hate other people
b/c yoUR not on their top 8.
who really cares, i mean get over it!
SIX
Who really gives a crap if
I don't accept you as a friend?
MOVE ON!!!
Don't send me another request or message asking
"what's up with you not adding me?"
I don't want you as a friend;
that's what's up!
SEVEN
Little 12 year olds who have Orkut
and look like sluts,
go somewhere else
because nobody wants you here.
EIGHT
If you have decided to read this,
you are a true Orkut Friend.
Real friends read their bulletins.
NINE
I say you go and pass this on
and maybe it will finally get through people's brains
TEN
And if you open a bulletin and it says something like
"repost this in 100 seconds or a ghost will rape your dog tonight,"
IT'S NOT REAL!
QUIT BEING AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!
THOSE R REALLY STUPID!
If you're ugly,
stop acting like you don't know it.
The captions under you picture that says
"top model pose"
"sexy bitch"
"arnt i hot"
doesn't convince anyone.
TWO
To the people who have like 25,000 friends,
are you serious?
Nobody in this universe can keep up with that many friends.
You're stupid.
Go play in traffic.
THREE
Don't ever post pictures and say
"OMG, I'm so ugly"
"OMG,I'm so fat"
because if you were,
you wouldn't post them.
FOUR
Nobody cares about threats over the internet.
Don't try to act hardcore with the keyboard.
Fighting online is like racing in the special olympics;
even if you win,
you're still retarded.
FIVE
Making 20 bulletins a day
about how you hate other people
b/c yoUR not on their top 8.
who really cares, i mean get over it!
SIX
Who really gives a crap if
I don't accept you as a friend?
MOVE ON!!!
Don't send me another request or message asking
"what's up with you not adding me?"
I don't want you as a friend;
that's what's up!
SEVEN
Little 12 year olds who have Orkut
and look like sluts,
go somewhere else
because nobody wants you here.
EIGHT
If you have decided to read this,
you are a true Orkut Friend.
Real friends read their bulletins.
NINE
I say you go and pass this on
and maybe it will finally get through people's brains
TEN
And if you open a bulletin and it says something like
"repost this in 100 seconds or a ghost will rape your dog tonight,"
IT'S NOT REAL!
QUIT BEING AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!
THOSE R REALLY STUPID!
NOT ALL THAT BAD :)
One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?" Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?".... ........ ........
"No, no. I just can' t" "I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy irritated voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all our sakes.... "TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL "
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?".... ........ ........
"No, no. I just can' t" "I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy irritated voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all our sakes.... "TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL "
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Smart wife...
Dear Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are
my sweetheart
Your husband
Joe
.
.
.
His wife replied to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses
instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept any kisses , so I had 2 give him
some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I
hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!
Your Sweet Heart
Friday, April 27, 2007
Monday, April 02, 2007
English is a ver Phunny Language - Just 4 Fun
Let's face it-English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I really liked this outburst....Hilarious...har har
I want to thank all my friends and other unknown people who have
forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, and continue to receive.
Because of your kindness:
I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good only for
removing toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with AIDS
I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they
cause cancer.
I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to
dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to
Uganda ,Singapore and Tokyo.
I also stopped drinking water outside for fear that I will get
sick from the rat shit and urine.
When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she
is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl
that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)
My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a
paid vacation to Disneyland.
Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, Ganesh
Vandana, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc..
Now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else)!
and m still waiting 4 that gud newz............although got some other
good news which was not good for me
You can add your own notes based on your similar experience and send
them to your friends.
If ORKUT deletes my account, it doesn't matter BUT PLEASE DON'T SEND me
"Orkut is deleting accounts: Due to sudden rush..." Otherwise I'll delete my E-Mail account!
IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you do not send this e-mail to at least 913760 people in the next 10
seconds,a bird will shit on your head today at 6:30 p.m.
Give me a break!!
"The World Is Filled WIth Foolish Ppl And Some Think They Got Talent
Too !!!"
forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, and continue to receive.
Because of your kindness:
I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good only for
removing toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with AIDS
I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they
cause cancer.
I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to
dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to
Uganda ,Singapore and Tokyo.
I also stopped drinking water outside for fear that I will get
sick from the rat shit and urine.
When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she
is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl
that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)
My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a
paid vacation to Disneyland.
Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, Ganesh
Vandana, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc..
Now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else)!
and m still waiting 4 that gud newz............although got some other
good news which was not good for me
You can add your own notes based on your similar experience and send
them to your friends.
If ORKUT deletes my account, it doesn't matter BUT PLEASE DON'T SEND me
"Orkut is deleting accounts: Due to sudden rush..." Otherwise I'll delete my E-Mail account!
IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you do not send this e-mail to at least 913760 people in the next 10
seconds,a bird will shit on your head today at 6:30 p.m.
Give me a break!!
"The World Is Filled WIth Foolish Ppl And Some Think They Got Talent
Too !!!"
If you ever get lost in India...
If you ever get lost in India and want to find out where you are, this is
the best way of doing just that.
Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they
start arguing about who's right - you are in kolkata.
Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on -
that's mumbai.
Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The
first two get together & beat him up - that's Delhi.
Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and
quietly opens a chai stall - that's ahmedabad.
Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to
solve the issue but the fight does not stop because of a bug in the program.
That's Bangalore ...
Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and
quietly says that amma doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in -
that's chennai.
Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on
mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting. You are in Hyderabad.
Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. Someone calls police. The
police come and lathi charge all the people crowded there. Someone throws
stones at the police. The police throw stones back at the crowd. some people
are arrested. Damages to the shops nearby. Next day, harthal and holiday
declared by government ..You are very much in Lucknow, UP!
the best way of doing just that.
Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they
start arguing about who's right - you are in kolkata.
Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on -
that's mumbai.
Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The
first two get together & beat him up - that's Delhi.
Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and
quietly opens a chai stall - that's ahmedabad.
Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to
solve the issue but the fight does not stop because of a bug in the program.
That's Bangalore ...
Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and
quietly says that amma doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in -
that's chennai.
Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on
mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting. You are in Hyderabad.
Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. Someone calls police. The
police come and lathi charge all the people crowded there. Someone throws
stones at the police. The police throw stones back at the crowd. some people
are arrested. Damages to the shops nearby. Next day, harthal and holiday
declared by government ..You are very much in Lucknow, UP!
Wedding Query........(SQL Server Stored Procedure Style)
CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
@ BrideGroom Char(NotBad),
@ Bride Char(Good)
AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM india Brides
WHERE
FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND
CarCount > 2 AND
HouseStatus ='TwoStoreyed' AND
BrideEduStatus='PG orAbove'
HavingBrothers='NO' AND
HavingSisters ='No' AND
AllowRelocate ='YES' AND
SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw
UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherinLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold
INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW')
END
GO
...
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
Then the wife writes the below query:
DROP HUSBAND
@ BrideGroom Char(NotBad),
@ Bride Char(Good)
AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM india Brides
WHERE
FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND
CarCount > 2 AND
HouseStatus ='TwoStoreyed' AND
BrideEduStatus='PG orAbove'
HavingBrothers='NO' AND
HavingSisters ='No' AND
AllowRelocate ='YES' AND
SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw
UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherinLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold
INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW')
END
GO
...
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
Then the wife writes the below query:
DROP HUSBAND
Friday, February 09, 2007
Crowded Airliner
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Photography
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"
Job Candidate
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yes, but you started it."
The Engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yes, but you started it."
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