Ultimate truth > (Uncanny-but true !)

> Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

> To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

> The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

>Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

>In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

>All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

>Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

>Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

>If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

>You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

>Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

>As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.

>He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

>If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.

>Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

>When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

>If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.

>Especially for engg. Students---- 
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

>You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

>The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

>After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

>If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

>Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker 

Banned from WAL MART

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to  Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and  preferred to get in and out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse.

Yesterday  my dear wife  received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.......

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months , your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at  5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to  the  women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began c rying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it  as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11 October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed  through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least:

  15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet pa per in here!"

Regards,

Tom Richards

Manager, Wal-Mart Superstore Erie

Don't copy if you can't paste!

"A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. Said he: "The
best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my
wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to
crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a
woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went wan with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke,
the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"

Crazy Scrabbler

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE
When you rearrange the letters: FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters: SPARKLING DRIVE

BARA THEDA
When you rearrange the letters: ARAB DEATH

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters: END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters: NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

We all have these answers in our mind ...

1. Why did you apply for this job?

I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?

I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any
specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?

You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4. What would you do if this happened?

Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation...

5. What is your biggest strength?

Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of
the fate of company

6. What is your biggest weakness?

Girls

7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?

Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more
money, so I am here today

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?

Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job?
I could demand more and stay there.

9. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?

Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a
change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?

For the same reason why you left your earlier job

11. What do you want from this job?

If no work is given but keep giving good hikes

12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?

Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs

13. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?

Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website

14. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?

Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra
than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard

(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my
current salary by 30%)

Prayers Answered

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say
one
thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to
your
problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them
with
my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the
bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible
phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house.

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in
their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male
talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you
want a date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
...........
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
...........
"Put your Bible away Idiot,
..........
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

Quick-Fix Solutions

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.When
your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from
another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease ! (related
to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than
once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

News Headlines dated 2020.....must read !!

Don't copy if you can't paste

At training program for top management. A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of
a woman who wasn't my wife !"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste

Weird Qs

01.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. Even US has got debts), where did all the money go?
(weird)

02.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
(to be given a thought)

03.What is the speed of darkness?
(absurd)

04.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
(very good thinking)

05.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
(who knows)

06.Can you cry under water?
(let me try)

07.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
(I think they meant something else)

08.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
(God knows)

09.Do fish ever get thirsty?
(let me ask and tell)

10.Can you get cornered in a round room?
(by ones eyes)

11.What does OK actually mean?

12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch)

13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

14.What should one call a male ladybird?
(No comments)

15.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
(can somebody help)

16.Can you blow a balloon up under water?
(yes U can)

17.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)

18.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
(got to think scientifically)

19.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
(I don't have a change to try)

20.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?
(very nice)

21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
(this is nice?)

22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
(stupid, break the law)

kill BILL

1. Bill Gates earns $250 every SECOND, that's about $20 million a DAY
and $7.8 billion a YEAR!






2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up
because in the 4 seconds it takes to pick it up, he would have already
earned it back.






3. U.S's national debt is about $5.62 trillion. If Bill Gates wants to
pay the debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.







4. He can donate $15 to everyone on earth and still be left with $5
million for his pocket money.






5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in the U.S. If he
doesn't drink and eat, and keep his annual income at $30 million,
he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is
today.






6. If Bill Gates were a country, he will be the 37th richest country on
earth.






7. If you change all of Bill Gate's money to $1 bills, you can make a
road from earth to moon 14 times back and forth. But you will have to
make that road non-stop for 1400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING
747 planes to transport all the money.






8. Bill Gates will be 42 this year. If we assume that he still can
live for another 35 years, he has to spend $6.78 million per day to
finish his money before his death.







9. BUT!!! If we the Microsoft Windows users claim $1 for every time
their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will go
bankrupt in 3 years.

Pigs Summary

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy

If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work

In other words,

Human that don't know enjoy = pigs that work



**************



Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money

If Men - earn money = Pigs

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Pigs



**************

Women = eat + sleep + spend

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Women = Pigs + spend

If, Women - spend = Pigs

In other words,

Women that don't spend = Pigs



**************

Summary:

Men earn money not to let women become pigs!

Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Men + Women = 2 Pigs

Wish all the pigs happy forever.

Zoology test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and
the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one
week of study, a test was held.The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs.
No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the
birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting
angrier every minute.

Finally, he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on
the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."
The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything
and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You
tell me..."

Why God Made Moms. . .

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between Moms & Dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plasti c surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head.

10 Saying for an Orkutian

ONE
If you're ugly,
stop acting like you don't know it.
The captions under you picture that says
"top model pose"
"sexy bitch"
"arnt i hot"
doesn't convince anyone.


TWO
To the people who have like 25,000 friends,
are you serious?
Nobody in this universe can keep up with that many friends.
You're stupid.
Go play in traffic.


THREE
Don't ever post pictures and say
"OMG, I'm so ugly"
"OMG,I'm so fat"
because if you were,
you wouldn't post them.


FOUR
Nobody cares about threats over the internet.
Don't try to act hardcore with the keyboard.
Fighting online is like racing in the special olympics;
even if you win,
you're still retarded.


FIVE
Making 20 bulletins a day
about how you hate other people
b/c yoUR not on their top 8.
who really cares, i mean get over it!


SIX
Who really gives a crap if
I don't accept you as a friend?
MOVE ON!!!
Don't send me another request or message asking
"what's up with you not adding me?"
I don't want you as a friend;
that's what's up!


SEVEN
Little 12 year olds who have Orkut
and look like sluts,
go somewhere else
because nobody wants you here.


EIGHT
If you have decided to read this,
you are a true Orkut Friend.
Real friends read their bulletins.


NINE
I say you go and pass this on
and maybe it will finally get through people's brains



TEN
And if you open a bulletin and it says something like
"repost this in 100 seconds or a ghost will rape your dog tonight,"
IT'S NOT REAL!
QUIT BEING AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!
THOSE R REALLY STUPID!

NOT ALL THAT BAD :)

One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?" Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?".... ........ ........
"No, no. I just can' t" "I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy irritated voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all our sakes.... "TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL "

Smart wife...

Dear Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are
my sweetheart

Your husband
Joe

.

.

.

His wife replied to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses
instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept any kisses , so I had 2 give him
some other items...........

5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I
hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!

Your Sweet Heart

Hitech Love

English is a ver Phunny Language - Just 4 Fun

Let's face it-English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

I really liked this outburst....Hilarious...har har

I want to thank all my friends and other unknown people who have
forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, and continue to receive.

Because of your kindness:

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good only for
removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with AIDS

I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they
cause cancer.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to
dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to
Uganda ,Singapore and Tokyo.

I also stopped drinking water outside for fear that I will get
sick from the rat shit and urine.

When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she
is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl
that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a
paid vacation to Disneyland.

Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, Ganesh
Vandana, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc..

Now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else)!
and m still waiting 4 that gud newz............although got some other
good news which was not good for me

You can add your own notes based on your similar experience and send
them to your friends.

If ORKUT deletes my account, it doesn't matter BUT PLEASE DON'T SEND me
"Orkut is deleting accounts: Due to sudden rush..." Otherwise I'll delete my E-Mail account!


IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you do not send this e-mail to at least 913760 people in the next 10
seconds,a bird will shit on your head today at 6:30 p.m.


Give me a break!!
"The World Is Filled WIth Foolish Ppl And Some Think They Got Talent
Too !!!"