A Girl can change your Idea

When did the fight start?

I rear-ended a car this morning. We pulled onto the side of the road,
and the other driver got out of his car. Yeah, well I couldn't believe
it -- he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!"
Well, as you can imagine, I was pretty rattled, and I looked down
at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

That's when the fight started.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I retired recently, and went to the Social Security office to apply for
benefits. When the woman behind the counter wanted to verify my age I
realized I'd left my wallet at home. I told the woman I would have to
come back later.
"Unbutton your shirt," she said. So I opened my shirt revealing
silver hair.
"That's proof enough for me," she said, and she processed my Social
Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife what happened. She said, "You
should have dropped your pants. You could have gotten disability, too."

That's when the fight started.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

My wife and I were at my high school reunion, when she noticed me
staring at an obviously drunk woman sitting alone at a table.
"Do you know her?" my wife asked.
"Yes," I sighed. "She's an old girlfriend. She started drinking
after we split up years ago, and people say she hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" whispered my wife. "Who would think a person could
celebrate for that long?"

That's when the fight started.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

When I got home late last night, the wife told me take her someplace
expensive for dinner. So, I took her to a gas station.

That's when the fight started.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My wife replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

That's when the fight started.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Sexy brunette gets hit

Steel Pole - Bud Light Commercial - video powered by Metacafe

Make me feel like a Woman

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

Why I fired my secretary!

Today is my 49th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot...
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present waiting for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy birthday".
I thought, 'Well, that's wives for you.'
The children will remember...
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word....
When I started for office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said,
"Good morning Boss, Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better someone had remembered!
I worked until noon.....
Then, Betty knocked on my door and said,
"You know, its such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,
let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By george that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go...
We went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of friends.
They were singing "Happy Birthday".......

......... AND I SAT THERE ON THE COUCH, NAKED.......

Simpu Singh - Simply Hilarious

Near Death Experience

Last night my mom and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I said to her: 'Mom, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.
Then my mom got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
....I ALMOST DIED

Some laws Newton forgot !!!

Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have
left will start to move faster than the one you are in
now.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get an engaged one.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease,ur nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late
for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning
you will have a flat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone
you know increases when you are with someone you don't
want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of
hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something
which will last until the coffee is cold.

Ultimate truth > (Uncanny-but true !)

> Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

> To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

> The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

>Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

>In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

>All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

>Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

>Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

>If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

>You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

>Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

>As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.

>He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

>If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.

>Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

>When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

>If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.

>Especially for engg. Students---- 
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

>You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

>The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

>After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

>If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

>Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker 

Banned from WAL MART

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to  Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and  preferred to get in and out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse.

Yesterday  my dear wife  received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.......

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months , your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at  5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to  the  women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began c rying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it  as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11 October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed  through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least:

  15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet pa per in here!"

Regards,

Tom Richards

Manager, Wal-Mart Superstore Erie

Don't copy if you can't paste!

"A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. Said he: "The
best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my
wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to
crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a
woman who was not my wife!"
The wife went wan with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke,
the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"

Crazy Scrabbler

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE
When you rearrange the letters: FLIT ON CHEERING ANGEL

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters: SPARKLING DRIVE

BARA THEDA
When you rearrange the letters: ARAB DEATH

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters: END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters: NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

We all have these answers in our mind ...

1. Why did you apply for this job?

I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?

I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any
specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?

You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4. What would you do if this happened?

Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation...

5. What is your biggest strength?

Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of
the fate of company

6. What is your biggest weakness?

Girls

7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?

Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more
money, so I am here today

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?

Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job?
I could demand more and stay there.

9. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?

Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a
change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?

For the same reason why you left your earlier job

11. What do you want from this job?

If no work is given but keep giving good hikes

12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?

Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs

13. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?

Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website

14. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?

Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra
than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard

(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my
current salary by 30%)

Prayers Answered

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say
one
thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to
your
problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them
with
my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the
bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible
phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house.

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in
their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male
talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you
want a date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams,
...........
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
...........
"Put your Bible away Idiot,
..........
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

Quick-Fix Solutions

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.When
your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from
another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease ! (related
to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than
once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

News Headlines dated 2020.....must read !!

Don't copy if you can't paste

At training program for top management. A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of
a woman who wasn't my wife !"
The crowd was shocked!
He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time....

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste

Weird Qs

01.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. Even US has got debts), where did all the money go?
(weird)

02.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
(to be given a thought)

03.What is the speed of darkness?
(absurd)

04.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
(very good thinking)

05.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
(who knows)

06.Can you cry under water?
(let me try)

07.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
(I think they meant something else)

08.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
(God knows)

09.Do fish ever get thirsty?
(let me ask and tell)

10.Can you get cornered in a round room?
(by ones eyes)

11.What does OK actually mean?

12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch)

13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

14.What should one call a male ladybird?
(No comments)

15.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
(can somebody help)

16.Can you blow a balloon up under water?
(yes U can)

17.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)

18.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
(got to think scientifically)

19.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
(I don't have a change to try)

20.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?
(very nice)

21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
(this is nice?)

22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
(stupid, break the law)

kill BILL

1. Bill Gates earns $250 every SECOND, that's about $20 million a DAY
and $7.8 billion a YEAR!






2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up
because in the 4 seconds it takes to pick it up, he would have already
earned it back.






3. U.S's national debt is about $5.62 trillion. If Bill Gates wants to
pay the debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.







4. He can donate $15 to everyone on earth and still be left with $5
million for his pocket money.






5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in the U.S. If he
doesn't drink and eat, and keep his annual income at $30 million,
he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is
today.






6. If Bill Gates were a country, he will be the 37th richest country on
earth.






7. If you change all of Bill Gate's money to $1 bills, you can make a
road from earth to moon 14 times back and forth. But you will have to
make that road non-stop for 1400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING
747 planes to transport all the money.






8. Bill Gates will be 42 this year. If we assume that he still can
live for another 35 years, he has to spend $6.78 million per day to
finish his money before his death.







9. BUT!!! If we the Microsoft Windows users claim $1 for every time
their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will go
bankrupt in 3 years.

Pigs Summary

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy

If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work

In other words,

Human that don't know enjoy = pigs that work



**************



Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money

If Men - earn money = Pigs

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Pigs



**************

Women = eat + sleep + spend

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Women = Pigs + spend

If, Women - spend = Pigs

In other words,

Women that don't spend = Pigs



**************

Summary:

Men earn money not to let women become pigs!

Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Men + Women = 2 Pigs

Wish all the pigs happy forever.